Okay, so I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything and what I'm posting now doesn't have anything to do with my writing, but... It's been on my mind lately and I kinda wanted to write it to get my feelings out. Yeah, so don't bother reading it if you don't really want to. ;p
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Why is it that when I'm feeling completely fine, and after being surrounded with so many amazing people, I'm always sucked back into a dark pit of loneliness? I feel as if I have no one to talk to, but could it be I'm only really afraid of what my friends might think of me? What if, out of the blue, I poured out my feelings to someone, giving them all my real thoughts and opinions? Would they still be my friend? Were they really my friend to begin with? Would the even give me the opportunity to speak, or will I always be stuck as the listener?
It's after flipping through a list of people with these questions and more swirling around my brain that I stop and turn to the only one on Earth who can understand me.
Me.
But as I'm dying to discuss a certain situation with another human being, my inner self enlightens me on why I am suffering.
It's your fault, I tell myself. If you only had the courage to say something,you wouldn't be alone. In fact, pick up your phone right now. There are plenty of people who would listen. The only problem is YOU.
You watch the groups of people interacting with each other and long to be part of it. Yet you lie to yourself and say you really want to be alone. You've even managed to make yourself lonely reading conversations on the internet. It makes me wonder, when are you going to learn? The. Problem. Is. You!
Every word I tell myself sounds true. If I'm always silently on the sidelines, how is anyone supposed to know I'm hurt and lonely, practically dying for a deeper relationship to break the walls I've built? But even knowing that, I still wait by expectantly, trying to convey a thousand messages with my longing gazes.
Maybe... Maybe I should try harder. But... But I'm always doing my best to connect with people and understand them. Would it be too much to ask for someone else to make the first move? For them to try and understand me? For once, for someone to give me a chance?
Please, someone... Give me the chance. Give me the chance to let everything out before I'm lost in my unending thoughts. Before I'm destroyed and consumed by my unknown feelings.
For once in a long time, help me climb out of the pit of loneliness. Show my other self she's wrong.
I... I don't want to be lonely anymore...
I know what that feels like...to the point I had only one friend I could talk to, but at the same time I couldn't 'cause she was suicidal; I wasn't close enough with any of my family to talk with them.
ReplyDeleteIt gets better, but I still have my bad days.
Even though I have people I can always talk to, I manage to kid myself that I'm a burden and they hate me. You don't have to tell any one person everything. None on my friends know all of my issues; it took a while, trial and error, getting hurt a few times, but I learned who I could talk to about what. Even if you start off talking about more trivial things, it can lift off a burden.
I'm not a group person, even with two or three close friends I end up feeling left out and alone, but that's the person I am, one of the things I struggle with.
Choose someone and put in effort to hang out with just them, if that doesn't work out, don't let it get you down, find someone else. There ill be someone, and you might find them in the unlikeliest of ways. The friend I talk to most I'd planned to kidnap him with a mutual friend before we ever met, and she'd told him before she introduced us, I avoided him at first out of humiliation but a eek later we were already best of friends. Your day will come. No trial will be too great for you. Have strength, take courage. You are loved, and you are not alone. :)
Hope that helps :)
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, and if I really don't want to tell anyone something, but want to get it out, I'll write a letter to someone, no intention of sending it, I just find it helps me.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, it means a lot that you took the time to read through this. :) I have a few friends that I'm working on opening up to, but... There was a certain situation I wanted to talk about yesterday (and still do actually) with someone who wasn't my family. I just don't really want to bring it up and make things awkward. Especially since it involves one of the two friends I'm trying to be open with, and with the second friend I don't want to say anything because it's also about someone who hangs out with my friends a lot, and is probably their friend as well.... If any of that made any sense... Bleh.
DeleteAnyway... Everything you said helps a lot. :) Thanks!
That sounds complicated, like Leilani said below, I'll be praying :)
DeleteYou're welcome :)
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteI completely understand what you mean. Being on the outside is hard. And God's always there for you, but sometimes a girl wants a physical person to hug and chat with and all that.
I don't have a lot of advice, and you've probably heard most of it before, but the thing that sometime works for me is to find a group of people doing something- like playing some kind of game- and just ask if you can join in. Or, keep an ear out for people talking about things you're into and, sometime, mention to them that you enjoy that thing too. Neither thing works all the time, but sometimes they do. You just have to keep trying.
I'll be praying for you. <3
Thanks so much! I'll definitely keep all that in mind! :) And it really helps to know you're praying.
DeleteIf I ever have something on my mind, would you be okay with me sending you a nanomail to talk about it? Just knowing there's someone willing to listen would actually help a lot.
(This is Fresterfur, BTW)
ReplyDeleteMany of those thoughts are VERY familiar to me. (guess it isn't just girls who have such thoughts) One thing I would add, though, is pray. When you get lonely, ask God for a friend. A couple weeks ago I was getting extremely lonely and asked God for a sibling, if only for a little bit, and that Thursday/Friday my friend had to come over to my house overnight because his parents were away.
That rambling was just to say, REMEMBER TO PRAY! It works! (Now I need to listen to myself >.>)
Fresterfur