Okay, so I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything and what I'm posting now doesn't have anything to do with my writing, but... It's been on my mind lately and I kinda wanted to write it to get my feelings out. Yeah, so don't bother reading it if you don't really want to. ;p
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Why is it that when I'm feeling completely fine, and after being surrounded with so many amazing people, I'm always sucked back into a dark pit of loneliness? I feel as if I have no one to talk to, but could it be I'm only really afraid of what my friends might think of me? What if, out of the blue, I poured out my feelings to someone, giving them all my real thoughts and opinions? Would they still be my friend? Were they really my friend to begin with? Would the even give me the opportunity to speak, or will I always be stuck as the listener?
It's after flipping through a list of people with these questions and more swirling around my brain that I stop and turn to the only one on Earth who can understand me.
Me.
But as I'm dying to discuss a certain situation with another human being, my inner self enlightens me on why I am suffering.
It's your fault, I tell myself. If you only had the courage to say something,you wouldn't be alone. In fact, pick up your phone right now. There are plenty of people who would listen. The only problem is YOU.
You watch the groups of people interacting with each other and long to be part of it. Yet you lie to yourself and say you really want to be alone. You've even managed to make yourself lonely reading conversations on the internet. It makes me wonder, when are you going to learn? The. Problem. Is. You!
Every word I tell myself sounds true. If I'm always silently on the sidelines, how is anyone supposed to know I'm hurt and lonely, practically dying for a deeper relationship to break the walls I've built? But even knowing that, I still wait by expectantly, trying to convey a thousand messages with my longing gazes.
Maybe... Maybe I should try harder. But... But I'm always doing my best to connect with people and understand them. Would it be too much to ask for someone else to make the first move? For them to try and understand me? For once, for someone to give me a chance?
Please, someone... Give me the chance. Give me the chance to let everything out before I'm lost in my unending thoughts. Before I'm destroyed and consumed by my unknown feelings.
For once in a long time, help me climb out of the pit of loneliness. Show my other self she's wrong.
I... I don't want to be lonely anymore...
